Zombies star in Epic Fail

Cadavers vs Scapegoats
Tuesday April 5
Quincy 920pm

6-1 trainwreck

Schlidaveur management completely imploded on Tuesday night, blowing the game time distribution resulting in a near forfeit, then followed by a complete drubbing on the ice at the hands of the capable Scapegoats.

The blogger knew something was wrong right away when hurrying into the lockeroom, thinking I was running late found only Mark Reynolds getting dressed in an EMPTY room. Gulp. Immediately calling teammates, trying to figure out if I was in the right place or not it soon became very, painfully, pathetically clear. The time was wrong on the email from Management. The email said 950. The gametime was 920.

The only glimmer of hope was the game before us was in overtime. I paced out front, as if it would make anyone come faster, when reliable goaltender Jon Cole rolled up with a “why are out out here stressing out” look on his face. Bless him, he was ready in no time. Calls to Baker and Parker, who were close, got them going quick.

The previous game went to a shootout, which had several rounds and the zamboni was on, and enough guys had showed to avoid the forfeit. So this good news was really only part of the story. The Cads would take the ice and start the game with just 4 skaters. The bench would fill as the first period would progress but the first 10 minutes were severely shorthanded.

So, in front of Jon would be Mike Campbell, Jeff Fosdick (who was staring down the barrel of his punishment for FUCKING UP THE EMAIL), Steve Baker, and Mark Reynolds. Scott Pounds would be the next to the bench and ice, followed up by Mitch and Parker. The Red roster would fill out with George, Dan (DWH) Herbert, Larry, Nelson, and then Paul Chapman would show up sometime in the second.

Unfortunately things were not going well on the ice as the promptly arriving skaters walked in to find this clusterfuck in progress. About a minute in the Goats got a good chance and Jon made a 5 hole stop, but the Ref ruled that it had crossed the line behind him. Campbell, who was well fueled via pregame beverages in true playoff form, and Reynolds would take great verbal exception to this. Immediately we were ingratiating ourselves to the zebras with all kinds of f bombs. You can imagine how that went.

The Goats would make relatively quick work of us scoring a nice bang bang play from the near side that would make it 2-0 about six and a half minutes in. Red was holding their own only sometimes, with good defensive plays followed by turnstile o-rama. The Goats would extend their lead at about 7 minuets left. Then again with just under five minutes the would send a long dump into the zone that was barely on net but Jon’s stick didn’t catch it and it hit the corner of the net and went in for a 4-0 lead. That’s how the first would end.

The Cads did an admirable job of focusing and playing as hard as possible and Management appreciates the Zombie pride that made it a game from then on. The addition of stellar newcomer Paul Chapman would be a brief glimmer. He would step on the ice and would take a pass from Jeff then work the top of the zone and score on a quick shot from the high slot. That would make it 5-1. That was it. Right there, the only positive thing that happened.

Baker would go for a slash in the second. Campbell would go for a rough, but only because he hadn’t fully warmed up his mouth yet. They scored their 6th during that penalty about midway through the period. Red would get lots of chances and at times did a great job working for shots but the Goat keeper was up to the task and had no problem protecting the big lead.

Things would predictably get chippy. Number 2 (no cage) and 73 (pink gloves) were particularly nasty, and by the end of the second there were skirmishes here and there. George and 73 went a few rounds in front of Jon with both of them ending up on their asses more than once. Baker and 2 would have regular exchanges.

Momentum just never got going for Red. It had started bad and never really climbed out of that hole.

With about 10 minutes left Jeff would chase a Goat he’d been tussling with all the way down to our end and would give him a good shot, sending the guy sprawling into the net and down then they would continue to beat on each other in front. Red touched and the Zebs called Jeff for the slash-takedown. As soon as the words “slash 10 Red” were out of his mouth “YOU'RE FULL OF FUCKING SHIT!” came bellowing across the ice from number 77. You could practically smell the Yard House monthly flavor wafting through the air as more invectives came tumbling across the rink. “THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT!” and a steady stream of F*bomb criticism came until the whistle blew again and 77 joined Jeff in the box.

This was actually the first thing that had brought a smile to Jeff’s face the entire night. He was trying to climb up into his helmet for the gametime fuckup but this was a classic moment. “I appreciate the support.” he said and they had a laugh. They had to, the reality was they’d just pretty much wrapped it up.

The Red would proceed to make a great 5-3 penalty kill. Zombie pride again from a bunch of guys submarined by the organization at the outset. That was it. No more shenanigans or scoring to tell of.

Except one thing. Jeff must have been suitably comforted by the copious amounts of Bud Light being served in the parking lot as he loudly grumbled “won the fourth” as the Goats guys broke up and got in their cars.

That was I guess the only other glimmer. The Cads represented in the fourth and tales of teen angst and porn in the good old days helped to ease the pain of the bad night. It was decided that the 13 year old boys of today don’t know how good they have it, that we’d all have had something fall off if we’d had the Internet when we were that age, and a sampling of the team’s most questionable deep dark urls would make for some very interesting surfing. That’s it.

This means that there will be a Playoff Loser bracket Daveur coming up sometime… management doesn’t know right now and probably wont or at least wont share it with the team…. speaking of which.

The Coon of Shame Returns.

And is awarded to Jeff. GM, CEO and grand poohbah of Schlidaveur International.

Way to go dude. To quote Campbell (again): ‘Dude, that’s your only job, to make sure all our sorry asses show up at the right time! YOUR ONLY JOB!” True. Sorry about that boys.